F1B Exclusive: F1 New Year’s resolutions

F1B has come into possession of the official list of Formula1 New Year’s Resolutions, as compiled by Bernie Eccelstone.  The following list are those resolutions for 2010 that were submitted by various personages involved in F1 to Mr. Ecclestone under promise of secrecy.  Mr. Ecclestone has subsequently leaked the list to F1B and I am pleased to share this information with the readers of F1B and the world.

 New Year’s Resolutions (TOP SECRET; don’t show Max!)

Michael Schumacher, 7-time World Champion/former Ferrari figurehead: Hide Red Underwear from Ross Brawn

Peter Windsor, USF1 team principal: No More Toasters

Jenson Button, 2009 champion with BrawnGP: Suck-Up to Martin Whitmarsh In Effort To Get Equal Machinery as Lewis Hamilton

Nelson Piquet, Jr., infamously crashy driver: Stop Admitting to Purposefully Crashing My Car

Steve Matchett, SPEEDtv commentator/former championship-winning Benetton mechanic: No More Mushrooms

Max Mosley, former FIA president: Use Tell-All Book Money to Buy More Hookers, Boots, and Leather

Luca Badoer, former Ferrari test driver/race driver: Learn to Drive Fast Somewhere Other Than the Pit Lane

Kimi Raikkonen, former Ferrari driver/WRC 2010 rookie: Use Snow to Keep Vodka and Red Bull Cold, No More Rolling Cars

Fernando Alonso, 2-time World Champion/new Ferrari driver: Kick Michael Schumacher’s Arse, Again

Rubens Barrichello, Williams driver/formerly oldest driver on the gird: Finally Be Number 1 Driver in a Team

Flavio Briatore, former Renault team principal: Hire Private Eye to Catch Max Mosley in Another Sex Scandal, Sneak into Paddock Dressed as Grid Girl

Todd McCandless (aka Negative Camber), famous F1B CEO: Become The Stig

Richard Branson/Tony Fernandes, respectively Virgin Racing and LotusF1 team principals: Force the Other Into Cross-Dressing, Successfully Hit on Jenson Button’s Girlfriend

Nicole Scherzinger, Lewis Hamilton’s Girlfriend: Finally Get Lewis to Propose

Jacques Villeneuve, 1997 driver’s champion: Offer to Shave Head for F1 Ride

Sebastian Vettel, Red Bull driver, namer of chassis: Actually Meet a Woman Named Kate, and Her Dirty Sister

Mark Webber, Red Bull driver: Refrain from Bicycle-Car Collisions

Ralf Schumacher, former driver: Kidnap Nico Rosberg, Don Mercedes Uniform, Fly to Bahrain, Take Over the World…Schumachers Forever!

My Personal Resolution: Bernie Ecclestone, head of FOM: Sell Any Family Member Necessary to Bring F1 Anywhere But the United States

*Disclaimer: the above resolutions are completely fictitious and a figment of my imagination.  Nothing is meant by them other than an attempt at humor.

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